theatre of madness

It's been a string of negative feedback and criticisms for the past few months. As far as Butterfly could remember, she has not heard anything positive in a long time.

Whenever Butterfly sends out emails or documents to be reviewed, she braces herself for rework and having to answer some questions which sometimes make her feel she's not putting in enough effort or thought into her work.

Butterfly remembers last year as the total opposite. Having the Cream Supervisor to guide her and having to report to the Cream Client were just bliss. Butterfly had her share of learning curves, but they were mostly pleasant.

If anything, "excellent", "brilliant", and "wonderful" which became a staple vocab in exchange for work done, started to make Butterfly feel as if she was capable of a lot of things. Those motivated Butterfly to stay on.

This year everything seemed to have turned upside down for Butterfly. In a different project, Butterfly now had the Lemon Supervisor and the Lemon Client. Knowing the true colours of Lemon Client, even phrases like "very good" have started to lose its real meaning.

Seemed like Cream and Lemon represented different styles of working. Cream being cream, they were soft, fluffy and left an overall smooth aftertaste. Lemon always felt sour and made everyone cringe. Not everyone appreciated Lemon though Lemon being lemon had its usefulness.

Learning curves were now steeper, expectations higher and scope of work wider.
Not to mention power play on a theatre full of fantastic Actors and Actresses all eligible for the Oscars.

Every week the scene changes, with each Actor pushing himself to the front to show the Audience what he's capable of, with each Actress flashing her best smile to convince the Audience she deserves the role.

Butterfly just feels tired. Exhausted even. More and more around her wants to be on the stage. She gets caught in between, accused even of standing in their way when all she wants is to fly outdoors in the garden and smell the roses.

Away from the crowded stage, where the madness is, where masks have become a necessary accessory. But first Butterfly needs to figure her way out of that madness.


*Any resemblance to real-life characters is purely coincidental. Excerpts from this story may be reproduced by acknowledging the writer.

bird on the gate

It's interesting how God speaks when you least expect Him to. Especially after I've ranted about how He has been silent in the midst of my struggles.

To make sure I know He's listening and responding, yesterday's ODB reading was about doing good regardless. I was actually rushing to leave for work when a tiny prompt reminded me I have yet to do my Bible reading.

I couldn't help but be amused when the verses Luke 6:27-36 came to view on my Bible.

While I was getting into the car, the sight of the neighbourhood bird perched on the gate caught my attention. It was the first time I had noticed that, I took it as a little cheer-me-up from God to remind me that if He is able to feed the birds of the air, whatmore will He do to take care of my very needs.

lifeline

For a long while, it has been nothing but tears to accompany me to sleep, wishes of a better tomorrow and prayers for strength to survive another day.

I can't say that has subsided, nor has any of the issues fully resolved. Neither do I know why I'm going through all these.

The bitter lump is still in the throat. In fact, the waves continue to crash over me, fiery arrows fly from all directions without any sign of abating.

If anything, I'm challenged to trust and hope in a God that seems silent for most part of this struggle. There doesn't seem to be any (visible) light at the end of the tunnel, and I grab at whatever I can to support me.

For now, your prayers and encouragement have been my lifeline. At least I know I'm not alone in this.

letting go

It feels like a part of me has died.

We are as similar as we are dissimilar.

It pains me that I can't be with the one I love.

But I must learn to let you go.

g5 and h6

G%ood news : Lug5g5ag5e bag5 found. (^.^)

Not so g5ood news : Accidentally spilled water onto keyboard. Now my g5 and h6 are beh6aving5 funny. (T.T)

how can i not love you

windy city p5

when i first read in our mail that we would get a ride from the airport in a limo, i thought it must be the kind of limo that we have in klia - just a glorified version of the normal cab.

you can imagine my skepticism because i made the call just after i filed a claims for my luggage. feeling really down all i wanted was to get some rest after the 20+ hour journey, and try to look for the luggage later. so the lady on the other line did mention a white stretch limo would be there just outside the luggage claim area.

i only believed it myself when i stepped out 10 minutes after that call was made to find a chauffeur coming out to greet me. it was a lady chauffeur, looking all professional with a uniform, cap and gloves. she was ready to take my luggage to the boot, but was surprised when i mentioned i didn't have any other than my hand carry.

i had the whole limo to myself - had to almost pinch myself to believe it.

kinda felt like a superstar for awhile! i thought they would've received this for large groups to make it worthwhile. oh well, since it was arranged for me, i might as well enjoy it while i can.

not cheap though, this cost me almost USD70 for one-way trip. would have been great if i had the mood to turn on the tv or blast the radio, or even have some bubblies waiting for me. was a good thing i had the sense to buy some hot chocolate from starbucks, so that sustained me a bit until i reached the training centre.

our small but functional rooms. just nice for a single occupant with almost everything you need. set my expectation low, so was pretty happy they even had toiletries and towels! oh well, better than nothing, so i'm quite thankful.

windy city p4

since i never had the chance to do non-work stuff, i decided to skip the drinks that everyone else was going for and spent some me-time.

feeling a bit better and having gotten a refreshing nap, here are some stories i've been wanting to tell since i landed.

first, a shot i took in the SFO-ORD flight. first time i'm surrounded by big americans. it's very different for me because even when i was in australia, it didn't feel like i had left asia!

after the luggage incident, and being cramped in an old plane, i appreciate asian airlines even more. also, asian air stewardess who work very hard, or at least they make the effort, to serve their customers.

while i understand the equality policy that does not discriminate against certain age group and gender, i honestly think american stewardesses have it much easier than their asian counterparts.

on my almost 4 hour flight, all i got was a cup of orange juice. and i had to ask for it myself.

the stewardess just walked out from the back with a tray of juices, but never said a word. whoever wanted one had to put up their hand and ask for it. nothing like "ma'am, what would you like to have?" or even if options were not part of the flight ticket, something as basic as "orange juice, anyone?" would suffice.

after that one brief round of her silently walking down the aisle too cramped for the average american, she just went to the back of the plane and read newspapers.

those who know i have to eat every 4 hours will know that i was feeling quite uncomfortable, especially after 2 transits on a long journey across the pacific ocean. even if they wanted me to pay for some cookies, i would have gladly done so, but there was no such thing.

i'm not sure if their international flights are any better, but this plane was old, had monitors on the ceiling of the aisle, and for someone as petite as me, really cramped seats. i don't know how the americans travel like this if they're double my size!

what a nightmare - and a terrible way to end the journey to what could have been an adventure that i would have been proud to share.