Tuesday, April 22, 2008

the bitter pill

When I first started doing this, I wasn't expecting to go so far. In fact, I just wanted to see whether I can last for 1 week. I had a bit of withdrawal symptoms but it was still okay. I was almost tempted to return to what I used to do. But a little prompt from above, and some response gave me motivation to stay on at this.

Now I'm in my 3rd week and I guess I'm hanging on. It wasn't really like what I was expecting. In fact, the memories came back and it was really painful for me. The person I wanted to talk to about this probably didn't care enough to ask if I was okay. But I focussed on something greater, so that I can try to move on.

Many times I wanted to give up, it seemed like a futile effort. Probably nothing would come out at the end of it. What I realised was during at this period, I was notably less distracted. Which meant that the things that I had been pushing to the back of my mind before had a chance to rear its ugly head. Those things which I have tried to forget because I didn't want to think about them anymore.

Maybe it wasn't a good way to deal with them, I had to actually allow them to run its course to be processed completely. But it's bitter, and I know it's of my own doing. It's like taking a bitter pill. Even after swallowing, you can still feel its aftertaste lingering in your throat. No matter how much water you drink, it's still there. But after some time, in due time, it will go away. I hope that is how it will be.

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