breath of heaven

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I’ve done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

I still remember when we had our first CyberChristmas* in campus. We were an unrecognised (therefore, illegal) society in MMU. Through the grace of God, He granted us the use of the main hall for our Christmas event. There weren't many of us, probably less than 50, and we geared up for the biggest event of the CF calendar best as we could.

I was asked to play for this song, sung solo. Still very amateur in my keyboard skills, the only way to pull it off was to put my trust in Him. I still remember lugging the keyboard from the guy's hostel block to the grrl's block, and practicing blindly in the room. You see, I didn't have any scores to practice on. So imagine my glee when I managed to use my limited hearing (pitch) to get something out.

I thought I played horribly, even missed out some notes. Being the curious me, I started asking my friends at the end of the performance. Asked if I played ok, or if the sound system was up to par, and if my debut appearance as a co-emcee masked the knots I was feeling in my stomach. And one of them actually said, "You played the keyboard ah? Thought it was a recording..." What the..?! At first I was offended, then realised it must've been too dark for anyone to see the musicians. And of course, I was sporting a grin soon after that when it dawned upon me that if they thought it was a recording, I must have done quite well.

That night, I emailed everyone involved in the performance and shared with them this testimony. Also encouraged them that the unexpected full house turnout of 700 was only something that God can do. That through this experience, the campus had a chance to experience for themselves what Christmas was really about.

Fast forward 4 years, and I'm listening to this song again, but trying to put myself in Mary's shoes. It's been such a long time since I heard it. Back then, I wasn't into lyrics, but now I understood why this song is so slow and melancholic. It tells of Mary's plight as a young virgin who had her life turned upside down when an angel of the Lord revealed to her God's plan for her.

Imagine a simple girl with an otherwise uneventful life, going about her house chores and expecting her prince charming to one day sweep her off her feet. Imagine her shock when she discovers she is to bear the Son of God, who will be called the Son of the Highest. But imagine also what inner strength she has that she accepts her destiny with such confidence that she does not doubt the angel.

Although she did ask "How can this be, since I do not know a man?", she didn't doubt as Zacharias did when he was told that his wife will bear him a son. But instead, she was questioning God's method since it was biologically impossible for her to be pregnant.

The thing that struck me was her obedience. She accepted the angel's explanation that the divine would happen through the works of the Holy Spirit. She chose to believe God's unconventional methods for bringing His will to pass. And for that, she became the mother of the greatest Man ever lived.

I guess a lot of times, we doubt about God's plans for us. We question His ability to do the impossible, and miss out on great opportunities He has laid for our lives. Maybe we just need to have that child-like faith again. Full of wonder and awe in the things that He can accomplish. Trusting fully in Him, and not ever doubting that He is the great I AM.


*CyberChristmas - an annual Christmas performance in MMU Cyberjaya