I thought of writing this last weekend, to commemorate my 1 month here since I came back from Malaysia. Then I thought, sounds a bit weird, maybe I should write about my 1 month at work, but that should be on the 31st. But being in the middle of the week and having an important meeting with a major toy supplier might disrupt that plan altogether. So I thought, I'll just write it now since I'm in the mood to.
I've been having many thoughts about staying back in Japan after my graduation. There were so many issues to sort, things to consider and more reasons for me to go home instead. It would have just been so much easier to pack everything and send them all home. But because I had indefinite plans and no permanent place in Tokyo then, I had to sort out my boxes according to which I'd need immediately, which I might need but could always afford to give away in case I don't stay on in Japan, and which I don't really need but can always send home anytime after. Altogether I had 7 boxes and 2 luggage bags.
And then there was the housing thing which I mentioned before. Getting a nice accomodation in Tokyo is one of the biggest worry for a foreigner. Not necessarily because of the rent - if you choose to save on rent, you can always live further from the central metropolitan area and commute longer. But because of the multiple fees that go into renting a place of your own. A regular "package" could typically consist of 2 months deposit (maybe 0.5-1 refundable), 1-2 months key money (this is not refundable as it's considered a gift to the landlord) and commission to housing agent, which could add up to half a million yen in upfront payment.
Well, some landlords are nice and don't require so much, but a friend who graduated at the same time as me had to pay that much. He didn't have a guarantor (for new foreigners it would be difficult to get a Japanese who is willing to stand in for you) so he had to pay a company for insurance to be his guarantor instead. And then the apartment doesn't come with anything most of the time. So on top of that half a million yen, you will have to shell out more for furniture, electrical appliances, Internet and not forgetting the utilities as well.
For me, I don't even know whether I'll be staying here long term. If it was like say, 3 years, then maybe that would have been an investment. But for shorter term stays like 1 year and less, it's better to stay in a guest house. But the one I'm staying at, many of us have no doubt they rip foreigners off just because they're the most famous one around. Even though everything is included and you just pay monthly rental (plus a partially refundable deposit) it's still not worth it. But being a foreigner and with little choice, you just have to spend.
Of course these and many other things were a constant worry playing around in my head then. There were times when I just wish I could pack up and fly home - that would have caused all these to vanish immediately. No more scratching my head and getting frustrated at the complexity of my life at that point of time. And also, I was living on my savings and was trying to save as much as possible. Unfortunately some people I regarded as friends turned out to be otherwise. But, the amazing thing is, the people I hardly knew, turned out to be the most generous of all - like the French couple I was staying with.
Many of you who have been following my blog especially since I came to Japan would think life was a bed of roses. Lots of stories about the fun I had travelling and trying out new stuff in Japan. Well, yes, I did enjoy myself, and that was while I was a student on a scholarship, and in Niigata. Tokyo is quite a different world altogether. I have to admit, it's like I just came to Japan for the first time, that's how different it is. Niigata is considered by Japanese as the backwater, and it's like studying in UUM for those in Malaysia. Ulu and in the middle of nowhere.
So when I came to Tokyo, I had to get adapted to the bright lights, flashing neon, constant whirl of activity, rush and push everywhere, bustling crowds and packed spaces. I missed having a car and the ability to just go anywhere anytime. I missed the open spaces of the rice fields surrounding our campus. I missed seeing the mountains and breathing fresh air every morning. I missed the little community I called home for the past year. It was just so different in the metropolitan. I felt so tiny, and for the first time in my life, never felt so poor as I did then. I saw many things I wish I could buy and enjoy but know that they were not just too expensive, but not worth the money anyways.
So the trip home was a breather, a much welcomed one. I had plenty of good rest, plenty of time with God, plenty of time to think. Truth be told, even though I was trapped in the madness of Tokyo, at least I was forced to really talk to God admist that craziness. Because I had limited funds, I didn't allow myself to go out so much or hung out with friends. I literally had no one, and nothing. So it was in a sense, easier to have to depend on God for everything. Despite the initial plan to be away from that madness at home, I had many people calling to meet up with me. Again, I didn't tell everyone as I intended to spend as much time with my family as possible. I did, this time and am glad that I also managed to cook for them too.
However, because of the constant whirl of activity and everyone wanting to catch up and get a piece of me, I was distracted. From what I had come back for. I did manage to do a lot of meditating and journaling in the beginning but as news spread that I was in town, I had to say no to many invitations. During the last 2 days I was booked from breakfast to supper. I am not complaining about having many friends who care about me, missed me and want to see me again. On the contrary! The whole thing was just so ironic! :)
As I boarded the plane after 10 days at home, I was still unsure of whether it was the right choice. I wondered if this would be an expensive mistake and everything would have been in vain. Even when the plane was already moving, I had a last minute call from Ps Adam whom I wanted to meet up but couldn't. There was just too much to catch up in that precious little 10 minutes, as I tried to squeeze as much words as possible, all the time with the air stewardess warning me about using my handphone while it was about to take off!
I arrived Tokyo that evening feeling weary. Feeling that I had come back to the madness with no sure destination. With no certainty that I was supposed to be here. But as the days went by, I got occupied with work with its crazy hours and feeling my way around, it didn't feel so bad. Not merely because adapting to a new place takes time, but because I'm more sure that perhaps this is where I will be for at least a bit more. I can't say for how long, but Bro Ong advised me to take stock every quarter and evaluate on the situation. Speaking of which, I was glad too for the appointment I made with him. The one Eewei described as an ah pek with big nose and glasses. But Bro Ong is another story for another day.
But I guess after the long story above, I just want to thank God for all that He has brought me through. I may have an idea how I ended up here, and why God allowed me to go through certain things. But what I am looking now is from here where do I go? I'm beginning to accept that certain things cannot be explained in the now, and I will just have to trust in His guiding light. But what I can say for sure is because of the "suffering" I went through last month, I am better at appreciating His goodness and grace this month.
If I can't understand the why's of the past, at least I've gained certain things. Because I've stayed in so many different places back then, I'm quite familiar with certain spots within Tokyo. Because I've lived out of my suitcase for that period, I've learned to live with what is necessary and appreciate the little blessings that come my way. Because I was in trouble, I know who my true friends are. Because I tasted bitterness, God's goodness has never tasted sweeter.
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